Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Call In Calamity

Alabama at Tennessee
SEC Game of the Week
October 25th at 7:45 ET on ESPN
by Bob Epling

(article originally appeared in 10.20.08 Game Day Weekly)

“Welcome to the Big Timer Sports Talk Radio Show.”

“This is Alabama-Tennessee week, always one of our busiest of the season, so let’s get right to the phones … here’s Johnny from K-Ville … what’s up Johnny?”

“What’s up? Phillip Fulmer’s weight and his time, that’s what’s up Big Timer.

I been looking forward to seeing that backstabber get his for sixteen years, and well … that’s all I want to say about that. Two things are fixing to happen that I never thought I’d see. All the Big Orange people are gonna pull for Alabama, and we’re about to elect a dern communist for President … old Barack Osama.”

“That’s Obama, Johnny.”

“I know they’re pulling for old Bama … that’s what I just said. They don’t want Fulmer to win cause then he might keep his job. Roll tide this week.”

“Let’s go to Pauley in Birmingham. Pauley, what do you think about a Tennessee fan pulling for Alabama?”

“I like it; I’m pulling for Tennessee myself. I’ve been kicking Fulmer around for fifteen years and he sure is a big target. If Fulmer and Tuberville both get run off this season, I won’t have anything to talk about on my sho … ah, never mind.” Click.

“Well, Pauley’s voice sounds familiar, I’m sure he’ll find another target pretty easy. Maybe Pat Dye can come on there and fake like he’s mad about something.”

“Let’s go to Red A from T-Town … Red, tell our listeners what the A stands for.”

“It stands for All the Way to the BCS title game this year Big Timer. You know what Phillip Fulmer and Billy Graham have in common? They can both make a hundred thousand people stand up and holler, ‘Oh Jesus!’”

“Not bad Red … let’s go to Jeff in Halls, Tennessee. Talk to me Jeff.”

“Big Timer, what’s the difference between an Alabama football player and a church bell?”

“Don’t know Jeff.”

“One steals from the people and the other peals from the steeple … get it … anyway our offensive coordinator is so dumb when Fulmer asked him about the quarterback, Clawson thought he was talking about a refund.”

“Okay … not too personal now … let’s talk to Ronny from Leesburg, Alabama.”

“Hey Big Timer, did you hear about Nick Saban getting arrested?”

“Now wait a minute Ronny, I thought you were a Tide man.”

“I am a Tide man … he got arrested for cruelty to animals after Alabama whipped them Bulldogs the other week in Athens.”

“Oh brother ... you better worry about Tennessee this week. Here’s Rocky Top from the beautiful Smoky Mountains … how about it Rock, have your Volunteers got a chance?”

“Yeah, they got a chance to hire Will Muschamp or Mike Leach if they’ll go ahead and get rid of the great pumpkin … they don’t have a chance in the game though.

Anyway, I heard Nick Satan has changed Alabama’s pregame walk to the stadium … now, they just start it at the Tuscaloosa County jail since that’s where most of the players stay.”

“Alright … easy now … here’s BW from Centre. What’s going on BW?”

“Big Timer, here’s three ways you can tell whether somebody is a Tennessee fan … their favorite tailgate food is spam, when a state trooper asks ‘em for ID they show him their belt buckle, and their family tree don’t fork.”

“Now BW, the game turns into something like this every year. Next thing you'll be serving Fulmer another court summons ...

... we need a neutral voice to discuss Tennessee and Alabama. Here’s Tom Thumb from the Plains.”

“Big Timer, if I was Phillip, I’d fire my offensive coordinator. If I was Saban, I’d go ahead and start looking for my next job while he's on top. Actually, there's a fellow I know that could send a private jet.”

“Thanks Tom … that’s all folks.”


Game Ball: Alabama